Guest Article By D’Alene
mypathtozen.com
Four years ago my life turned upside down when I found out my husband of 30 years was unfaithful in our marriage. Maybe I was naïve but him cheating was the last thing I thought could happen and I was devastated. Infidelity was a red line I believed if crossed would lead to an automatic divorce. I was wrong…
That seems like a lifetime ago. My marriage survived and we are happier and healthier than ever before. It wasn’t easy getting here but it was worth the effort. There are lots of reasons why someone would have an affair and some reasons may make it impossible to save a marriage. Both people must be equally committed to fix what was broken, make significant changes in how they communicate and by putting each other first, among other things.
Below are six suggestions that helped me find light during a very dark time of my life.
- Counseling – Number one is to find a good therapist for yourself as soon as possible. It took me several tries before I found a psychologist that fit my needs, so please, don’t give up until you find a good match for you. A good couple’s counselor is important also, but you need to put yourself first right now. Check out psychologytoday.com/us/therapists to help find a qualified counselor in your area.
- Meditation – This has been a life-saver and I can’t imagine my life without daily meditation now. It takes practice and there are many types of meditation to choose from such as guided, silent, with music, with a group, walking, sitting, laying down. It’s OK to mix it up. Like most things there’s an app for that…one I like is Omvana. There are a ton of books on this subject but for a fun how-to read, check out “Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics” by Dan Harris. Meditation helped me find me again and bring a calm to my life I didn’t have before.
- Connect with Nature – When your world doesn’t make sense, nature does. Going on a walk or hike through the woods, in a park, stroll along the ocean, even appreciating a flower or plant in your backyard can do wonders to clear your mind. Nature reminds us of our connection to the universe.
- Journaling – Before I found a good counselor a friend suggested journaling. Once I started writing the floodgates opened wide. I wrote almost every day for over 3 years and I can’t tell you how much it helped with my healing. I could rant and rave, process and pour my heart out. Find yourself an attractive journal and start writing, you won’t regret it.
- Yoga – Or any kind of exercise. Before I found out my marriage wasn’t what I thought it was I was practicing a lot of yoga and fairly active with other forms of exercise too. After the trauma I was not only emotionally broken but physically weakened and it took a lot of effort to find the strength to be active again. I had been going to hot yoga classes but wasn’t physically strong enough so I tried hatha yoga which is much slower, steady pace. It was perfect. Yin yoga is also a nice and gentle practice. Yoga is not only great exercise but helps your mind/body connection. I now feel strong enough to give hot yoga another try!
- Reach Out – I am an introvert by nature and need quiet time alone to recharge. All I wanted after the “bomb drop” was to hide myself away. I needed that, but I also needed the support of my friends and family. Be careful here, you want to surround yourself with people who love you, listen non-judgmentally and give advice only when asked. Get all the hugs you can and give just as many. Most likely your brain is a little fuzzy and time is necessary to be able to think clearly again.
Most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself. Take your time and don’t rush to make decisions you are not ready to make. I didn’t think my heart would ever heal. But it did heal and became stronger than ever. Something else happened, I evolved, and I became more spiritual, confident and compassionate. You’ll make it through too, I promise!
